Category: Assorted Bob

Well, our marriage has once again survived the annual quest for the biggest Christmas tree in Knoxville.

After deciding the specimens at Suzi’s Groovy Garden are too small or not “just right,” we drive up Kingston Pike to a lot near Stir Fry Cafe. There it is. Standing ever green in a shaft of light, waiting for us. We walk straight to it and stake our claim. After the guys at the lot struggle mightily to get it to my truck, trim the trunk and then load it, Lara and I cart it home.

“I hope it doesn’t come out,” she says.

“It won’t,” I say, Grinchly arrogant. “I’ve strapped that sucker down in a major way.”

Fifteen miles later, when we pull into the driveway, the tree is still there. Christmas Miracle No. 1.

Now it’s time for Spiney and I to wrestle this 14-foot green behemoth out of the truck, into the house and then plant it in a stand.

This is where I tend to go GrinchBob.

And Lara is afraid. Very afraid. She doesn’t want a repeat of last year, when there was plenty of hollering and shouting and one wayward spaniel got trapped beneath the tree as it was dragged across the floor. It was several hours before Crystal forgave me for that ….

But after several years of this, we have a method. This time, I use every microgram of patience I have (yes, it is measured in micrograms with me; patience is not my strength) to wait for Lara to go into the house, move furniture, corral the critters and prepare for the tree’s majestic entry.

Now we’re ready. We roll it up and over the side of the truck. Then I start dragging it by the trunk, toward the door. At this point, it’s a momentum game. Just keep dragging until it’s in the living room.

Next, we have to get the thing upright and in the stand. That’s the real challenge. But after a bit of scheming and my final concession that yes, maybe Lara is right and we need to cut off more lower branches, we get the tree hoisted and in its proper place.

No divorce lawyers. No psychologically scarred spaniels. No GrinchBob. Christmas Miracle No. 2.

Don’t forget, our tree decorating party is Saturday. Here’s the invite.

I have two new toys in my playpen.

The first is the Big Green Egg.

It’s a very cool charcoal grill/smoker. I’ve been playing with it non-stop for about a week and am totally impressed. When I first started reading about it, I thought there was a lot of hype infused in the descriptions and that this humble egg couldn’t possible live up to egg-spectations. It has. And more. The natural charcoal lasts a long time, as promised, And meat tends to emerge from the grill with egg-squisite moistness (OK. I’ll stop talking like Vincent Price/Egghead in a Batman episode.)

— The second toy is a Mac G4 Powerbook. We have a Dell laptop and docking station that we were using for our home computer. But it just wasn’t fun to use. I’ve been hearing so much about OS X that I decided to give it a whirl. So far, I’m impressed. Mac isn’t the promised land. I’ve spent more than a few hours hooking things up and getting my Airport wireless connection to work with the PCs in our house and, most importantly, with Tivo. But now we’re turning the corner. I remember the first time I saw a Mac. It was in the art department at the Birmingham Post-Herald in 1986 or ’87. I think it was a Mac SE. And we were mesmerized by it as our staff artist put it through its paces. At the time, I was using an Amstrad word processor at home. The Mac really impressed me, and by the time we moved to Albuquerque, I bought the first of two or three Macs that I owned before jumping to PC, mostly to be compatible with the rest of the world. The G4 is very cool on the compatibility front. Most of the setup problems I’ve been having are related to the PCs. OS X is fast and user friendly, as advertised. We got the 12-inch PowerBook and a 20 inch cinema display. Que bonita.