During a recent business trip to Atlanta, I met the Ninja Dognapper. She’s a gorgeous blonde who can’t stand to see a dog in distress. It bothers her so much, in fact, that she goes out in the dark of night, dressed in black and armed with hotdogs, to liberate canines who are living lonely lives at the end of chains.
As we were driving around Atlanta in her dogmobile (complete with a dashboard that has been chewed by one of her grateful pooches), she detailed how she can’t resist the temptation to sneak into some half-wit’s yard to liberate a dog who is being abused or neglected.
I asked her if she was afraid of getting shot by some pissed off weasel, and she didn’t even flinch. The dog’s welfare is just too important to pause at such peril. She’s not even worried the dog might turn on her. Enough hot dogs will appease even the most savage of beasts.
I left Atlanta with a newfound faith in humanity and wishing I had the balls and bravery to do the same, especially after reading the plight of the forlorn St. Bernard that some piece of shit redneck had on a chain in Tennessee. The poor thing got tangled in its chain and chewed its own leg off to escape. Thank god the Ninja Dognapper is out there, moving stealthily through the night, saving Man’s best friend from Man.