Suffering The Benz

Sitcom: Adam-12

Episode: Christmas

Year: 1974

Story line: The Christmas spirit is sorely lacking on the partners’ tour of duty.

Details: Officers Reed and Malloy spend Christmas Eve fighting crime and distributing presents to needy kids. They meet little Harvey’s mother in a parking lot to give her a yellow dump truck they bought him, along with other toys, but when she goes to buy a tree someone steals the car and all the presents in it. But Reed and Malloy are on the case, and they eventually track down the car thief and manage to outsmart department bureaucracy to ensure that little Harvey gets his dump truck.

Killer quote: “You gotta be a real creep to steal toys from kids, especially on Christmas.” The car thief, explaining that he stole the car and TV in it but had no idea the trunk was packed with presents for kids. I guess he wouldn’t have taken it if he had known that. Har.

Ebenezer alert: The car thief, though as the quote above indicates he’s not all bad. Malloy also has a bit of Scrooge in him, initially refusing to buy a yellow dump trunk for Harvey. But he’s a cop with a heart of gold and borrows three bucks from Reed to buy the truck for Harvey.

Childhood memory: This was one of my favorites as a kid. I think it aired Saturday nights, so we used to watch it after returning from Mass (Catholics get to cheat on Sunday like that …). I don’t remember this episode specifically, though. But the crackly “One Adam-12 One Adam-12 … see the lady at …” still bounces around in my brain from time to time.

Sitcom Christmas Index

Sitcom: That Girl

Episode: Christmas and the Hard Luck Kid

Year: 1966

Story line: Ann recalls when she spent Christmas with a lonely boy.

Details: We start with Ann the ever-struggling actress playing a Christmas elf at a shopping mall. But this isn’t David Sedaris playing Crumpet the Christmas elf. This is Marlo Thomas, vaguely hot but squeaky clean and oozing goodness and good cheer. She flashes back to a Christmas three years earlier, when she was teaching at a boys’ school and stayed behind to be with Tommy Phillips, who was destined to spend the holiday alone at school. Ann does what Ann does and in her goofy way manages to place Tommy with a local family for the holiday. It isn’t till after the fact that she realizes the family is Jewish …

Killer quote: “Jewish people don’t have a tree, and they don’t celebrate Christmas.” Tommy, after returning to school from the Greene’s home and informing Ann that it wasn’t Christmas they were celebrating.

Ebenezer alert: The insurance company, which won’t let Ann take Tommy to her father’s house for the holiday because it’s too far away. Even then, insurance companies sucked.

Childhood memory: I’m not sure why, but I remember this one vividly. I’m pretty sure I first saw it in reruns and I think I was home sick as Christmas approached. The scene the really struck me was where they were playing basketball in an empty gym. For some reason, I thought that would be really cool. Maybe it’s the beginning of my fascination with end-of-the-world movies, where no one is around and you have everything to yourself — highways, stores, even gymnasiums.

Sitcom Christmas Index

Sitcom: The Partridge Family

Episode: Don’t Bring Your Guns to Town, Santa

Year: 1971

Story line: At Christmas, the bus breaks down in a ghost town.

Details: This one sucked as badly as the Monkees special. I knew we were in for trouble when it was revealed that this was a Brian Foster episode. Everyone knows the only true Chris is Jeremy Gelbwaks. There can be only one. Susan Dey is amazing though. Simply amazingly gorgeous. And Danny Bonaduce gets through the entire episode without beating up any transvestites. So surely this has some redeeming value. In short, the bus breaks down in a ghost town. We meet prospector Charlie and his mule, Ella. Charlie tells a story of Wild West Christmas days with Partridge Family members playing key parts in the flashback. In the end, the bus gets fixed and those wacky Partridges belt out a version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas that brings a tear to hardscrabble Charlie’s eye. How nice.

Killer quote: “If you have to give to receive then forget it. I mean, where is the profit?” Ruben Kincaid in his flashback role as Mean Sidney.

Ebenezer alert: Ruben freakin’ Kincaid. In spades, dude. He even plays Mean Sidney in the Wild West flashback. That Ruben is bad news, though I could never understand his “stud” reputation in the show. He just seemed so dang oily.

Childhood memory: Again, no specific memory of this episode, but it was right up there with the Monkees on the list of cool stuff when I was a kid. When we played Partridge Family (yes, I’m ashamed to admit we did that), I was Danny, cousin John was Keith and brother Steve was Chris. Come on now there’s a song that we’re singin’ …

Sitcom Christmas Index