Suffering The Benz

Sitcom: Married … with Children

Episode: It’s a Bundyful LIfe (2)

Year: 1989

Story line: Al gets a visit from a guardian angel and discovers what the Bundy household would look like if he was never born.

Details: Bad meta data again, but I think this time it was a good thing. Tivo was claiming this was a 1992 episode, but this second part of a 1989 show was a better snag. It features the hapless Al trying unsuccessfully to withdraw his Christmas club account from the bank in time for Christmas, ruining the holiday for everyone. Peg and the kids head off to Denny’s for dinner, leaving Al to string outdoor lights, which zap him and knock him out. Sam Kinison appears as an angel who shows Al what earth would be like had he never been born. And the answer is pretty good. Peg is a Betty Crocker type. Bud is a great guy. Kelly’s a brain. And Sam Kinison gets to scream a lot. At god. At Al. At anyone who will listen. Hey, it’s his schtick. And in the end, we realize Al’s life does have purpose — to make sure his family is miserable. And that alone is enough to convince him life is worth living. (As a side note: Missing the first part wasn’t a problem at all; this is Married … with Children, not Twin Peaks.)

Killer quote: “Much like a neutered dog, you don’t get it, Bundy.” Angel Sam Kinison, talking to Al.

Killer quote II: “What do we do next? Go back in time to the day I should have been conceived? Watch my father invent the condom?” Al, upon seeing how well the other Bundys did on a planet where he didn’t exist.

Ebenezer alert: It’s gotta be Peg. Her seething contempt for Al never ceases. And that hair. Simply amazing.

Childhood memory: Not quite a childhood memory, but I loved the early years of this show, when it still had its edge and presented the dark underside of married life in America. I think this is a transitional season, right at it was jumping the shark (which I define as the departure of Marcy’s husband to become a forest ranger.) I don’t recall this episode specifically, but it had several laugh-out-loud moments. Praise Tivo for bringing it to me.

Sitcom Christmas Index

Sitcom: Good Times

Episode: Penny’s Christmas

Year: 1977

Story line: Penny is nabbed for shoplifting at Christmas.

Details: Tivo offered up two Christmas episodes of Good Times. I chose the older version, though it wasn’t old enough. This one aired well after Good Times had jumped the shark. Florida and James, the mother and father, are long gone at this point. Willona stops by to check on J.J., Michael and Thelma here and there, and she’s trying to adopt Penny. In a nutshell, Penny wants to get her mother a necklace, but a pickpocket steals her wallet. So Penny shoplifts the necklace. And gets brought home by a store security guard just as a child welfare worker is at the house to tell Willona they’re going to finalize the adoption. Or not. Of course, eventually they do, but not before the geeky white child welfare worker gets whacked on eggnog and hijinks ensue. Overall, this show had a nyuk or two, but it’s mostly pretty lame. Lots of catastrophically bad one-liners strung together, most of them duller than yesterday’s Christmas wrapping.

Nipple ripple: Janet Jackson plays Penny. Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction. Elaine Benes had a wardrobe malfunction on her Christmas card in an episode of Seinfeld. Proving once again that there are seven nipples of separation across TV Land’s Christmas universe. Or something like that.

Killer quote: “It’s a good thing you got (this tree) off the street. It could have been arrested for indecent exposure.” Michael, referring to the Charlie Brown Christmas tree that J.J. dragged home.

Ebenezer alert: The easy choice would be the pickpocket who nabs Penny’s wallet. But I’m voting J.J. here. Kid Dy-No-Mite is phoning this one in. He’s a minor player in this episode, and his one extended bit involves him pulling out the Betsy Wetsy doll hidden in the freezer and making sure Penny sees it before Christmas. His late appearance as a boney, funky Santa doesn’t do much to save him. Dy-No-Mite my ass.

Childhood memory: I liked this show in the early going and seem to recall that it competed in the Happy Days time slot, forcing us to choose. We were opting for Good Times at one point, but I don’t think it lasted long. I have no recollection of this episode, or any of the post-mom and -dad episodes, for that matter. My early recollection of it was as a funny but somewhat gritty look at inner-city life. It quickly devolved into a clown act starring J.J. But damn. Thelma was hot.

Sitcom Christmas Index

Sitcom: Beverly Hillbillies

Episode: Christmas in Hooterville

Year: 1968

Story line: Romance blooms during a Hooterville Christmas.

Details: This was a mashup before mashups were cool. Take a heap of the Hillbillies hog jowls, sprinkle in an overdose of Petticoat Junction sacarine and top it with essence of Green Acres and you have Christmas in Hooterville. I always loved the way Hooterville was the center of the universe for these shows, and of all of them, Green Acres was by far my favorite. We get only Sam Drucker and Eb the farmhand here, but they keep it interesting. As always, the Petticoat Junction folks just plain suck. Those annoying chicks who bathe in the town’s water supply. Uncle Joe, who needs to be soundly slapped upside the head. And that annoying crop duster, Steve, who married Billie Joe and serenades Granny with a godawful and completely irrelevant song. Totally not Christmas. Anyway, in short, the Hillbillies are in Hooterville for Christmas, where Sam and Uncle Joe are vying for Granny’s affection. It’s cornball humor at its best and definitely had me laughing out loud in spots.

Killer quote: “If the fish ain’t bitin’, change your bait.” Granny, before undergoing a massively creepy makeover in an attempt to draw out Sam Drucker’s love.

Killer quote II: “Put some clothes on him and they’ll think he’s a hippy.” Jethro, talking about Elly May’s bear, which is about to drive cross-country from Beverly Hills to Hooterville with Mr. Drysdale. The bear does make a rather righteous hippy …

Ebenezer alert: This one’s a tie between Mr. Drysdale and shiftless Uncle Joe. The former is oppressing his bank employees, making them work on Christmas day. The latter smells money on Granny and starts putting on the moves.

In-breeding alert: Green Acres farmhand Jeb tries to put the moves on Hillbilly Elly May. Nothing good can come of that, and fortunately, it doesn’t get anywhere. Could have been a truly terrifying spinoff, though.

Childhood memory: I remember all three of these shows in reruns. Hated Petticoat Junction but often sat through it while waiting for something else to come on (remember: we had only a few channels back in the day). Green Acres and Beverly Hillbillies were massively cool, especially in their earlier episodes. Long live Arnold Ziffel! No real recollection of this Christmas special.

Sitcom Christmas Index