Author: Bob Benz

Every dog has his day …

Post author By Bob Benz
Post date December 22, 2003

Yesterday was one of those rare days when everything I did worked on the first try.

— My Big Green Egg was sick, and I needed to replace a carriage bolt that holds the lid on. I went to the hardware store, bought numerous variations of carriage, nut, bolt, washer … you name it … expecting to have to do a lot of slogging to make it work. When I got back, the first one I picked out worked, and I was eating mesquite smoked trout within a few humble hours. Praise the Big Green Egg.

— I needed a few screws for the hot and cold water knobs in the shower above the garage. Again, I chose several variations of screw, hoping to stumble upon the right one. When I got home, the first package I opened worked perfectly.

— After considerable debate at the hardware store, I picked a tarp to cover my woodpile. Would 20×12 be big enough? Yup. Perfect.

— The furnace stopped working yesterday. After much fretting and swearing, I broke down and checked the air filter. Dirty. Clogged. After I cleaned that sucker, I said, let there be heat. And there was heat.

— Joanne sent me a “God” detector, a small, compass-like device that measures god’s presence. As soon as I pulled it out of the package. The dang thing went nuts. Hmmm.

— And finally, I fixed this blog this morning. After I upgraded my server plan, nothing worked. After a bit of tinkering this a.m., I figured out the problem. Some root paths had changed in the migration. The path to perl had shifted. And bang. It was fixed.

Today I’m going to build a fire, read James Joyce and hide. Nothing good can happen after yesterday’s windfall …

Assorted Bob

O Tannenbaum …

Well, our marriage has once again survived the annual quest for the biggest Christmas tree in Knoxville.

After deciding the specimens at Suzi’s Groovy Garden are too small or not “just right,” we drive up Kingston Pike to a lot near Stir Fry Cafe. There it is. Standing ever green in a shaft of light, waiting for us. We walk straight to it and stake our claim. After the guys at the lot struggle mightily to get it to my truck, trim the trunk and then load it, Lara and I cart it home.

“I hope it doesn’t come out,” she says.

“It won’t,” I say, Grinchly arrogant. “I’ve strapped that sucker down in a major way.”

Fifteen miles later, when we pull into the driveway, the tree is still there. Christmas Miracle No. 1.

Now it’s time for Spiney and I to wrestle this 14-foot green behemoth out of the truck, into the house and then plant it in a stand.

This is where I tend to go GrinchBob.

And Lara is afraid. Very afraid. She doesn’t want a repeat of last year, when there was plenty of hollering and shouting and one wayward spaniel got trapped beneath the tree as it was dragged across the floor. It was several hours before Crystal forgave me for that ….

But after several years of this, we have a method. This time, I use every microgram of patience I have (yes, it is measured in micrograms with me; patience is not my strength) to wait for Lara to go into the house, move furniture, corral the critters and prepare for the tree’s majestic entry.

Now we’re ready. We roll it up and over the side of the truck. Then I start dragging it by the trunk, toward the door. At this point, it’s a momentum game. Just keep dragging until it’s in the living room.

Next, we have to get the thing upright and in the stand. That’s the real challenge. But after a bit of scheming and my final concession that yes, maybe Lara is right and we need to cut off more lower branches, we get the tree hoisted and in its proper place.

No divorce lawyers. No psychologically scarred spaniels. No GrinchBob. Christmas Miracle No. 2.

Don’t forget, our tree decorating party is Saturday. Here’s the invite.

Media Bob

Paging John Media ….

A newspaper recently held a meeting for all of its print salespeople. The discussion focused on selling online media, especially interactive banner ads.

After the presentation, one print rep walked up to a friend of mine:

“You know that Rich Media everyone is talking about? I think I know his brother, John.”

Hmmm. I want if we can sell any of those John Media ads and make some big bucks …