Author: Bob Benz

OK, I’m coming out of the closet. I’ve been on the Atkins diet since late July, and it’s working. In my carb-counting madness, I’ve settled on a favorite snack: Perrier and pork rinds. Or, as I prefer to call them, chicharrones (it doesn’t sound as nasty as pork rinds). I can have something fizzy and something crunchy without adding any carbs, despite the disparate food combo it takes to get there.

This came to a head last week when I ended up in hospital for a few days. After a colonoscopy, I woke up in the middle of the night exhibiting all the symptoms that the take-home sheet said: Get immediately to an emergency room. But it was 1 a.m. I was freezing and chilled. And I decided to see if I could live till morning, wake Lara and then go to a hospital. I made it till morning. We went to the emergency room and a very concerned doctor decided to admit me to the hospital.

I spent a few days on an IV and having antibiotics pumped into me. After the first 24 hours, though, things evened out. Then came the rub: My staff was trying to decide what you send a hospitalized Benz. Flowers were out. I’m definitely not a plant kinda guy.

Then it came to them: an Atkins basket, packed with lots of low-carb stuff, including two bags of chicharrones. It was the perfect gift, though I had to wait several days before I could indulge.

When all is said and done, I’ve lost 26 pounds since July. Lara’s lost even more. And I’m convinced there’s a there there with Atkins. I actually like eating this way and feel better than I did when I was loading up on carbs. I still eat a lot of veggies. I just steer clear of potatoes, rice and pasta.

As for the colonoscopy, don’t misconstrue the above as a horror story. Apparently, mine was the exception, not the rule. The actual procedure really was no big deal, and I’ll do it again as the doctor advises. Beats the hell out of cancer …

Hospital oddities:

— I saw a woman “code” while I was gurney-bound in a hallway waiting to have a CT Scan. Pretty creepy, especially since I was feeling awful and things were all a little blurry. I didn’t fully realize what was happening until the guy who was wheeling me back to my room apologized for the fact that I’d witnessed this.

— My sense of smell seemed to improve. I don’t know if this was imaginary or what, but I could swear that I could smell things more acutely while I was in the hospital and for a day or so after I got out. That’s faded now, and I’m still not sure if it was real or imaginary. But it was strange.

— Fort Sanders, the hospital I was in, was awesome. The staff was very competent and friendly, the room was pretty nice and I was impressed with the overall state of health care, at least from the perspective of someone who gets dumped into it with full insurance.

— Lara rocks. She was totally there for me and was determined to stay there the first night until I told her to go home and feed my dogs. It’s a lot easier being ill when you have that kind of support.

Last night, after I got done watching one of my new favorite shows (“Worlds Apart” on National Geographic) on Tivo, the end of another National Geo show was on live TV (yes, I do watch non-Tivo’d TV once in a while). It’s called “Taboo” and delights in gross out footage of people eating live snakes, etc. Last night, the fine folks in China were eating bull penis (with detailed descriptions of how you have to clean the urinary tract to make sure the meat doesn’t taste like urine).

Then I went to bed. Where I dreamed I was in an arcade full of pinball machines, and I had to urinate. So I started urinating on one of the machines, right on the button you press to set a new game. And half way through, I realized the machine had a couple of dozen free games on it. Du-oh! Now I couldn’t get the free games without mucking around in my own urine …

OK, all you Freudians out there. What’s going on in my head? Clearly the Taboo show was an influence. I’m afraid to think what else might be going on here …

As for World’s Apart, this one is worth checking out. They take a totally yuppie family, complete with stereotypical soccer mom, and dump them into the middle of some so-called primitive culture. Each episode features a great scene where the yuppies get to see their food killed before their very eyes and another scene where the soccer mom breaks down in tears. I’m not sure if they’re out there trying to find the soccer mom stereotype, or if the stereotype is just so prevalent they can’t miss.

Maybe the most interesting part is how little control the Americans have over their children. While all the village children listen and do what they’re told, the American kids whine and moan and are generally a pain in the ass.

It’s definitely interesting to see how different we are from much of the rest of the world.

Go see “School of Rock,” people. It will remind you that rock was supposed to be fun and rebellious, a way to stick it to the Man instead of helping the Man sell stuff.

And Jack Black will have you laughing out loud.