December 29, 2006
John Crow's Devil
During my travels to Jamaica, it didn't take me long to become fascinated by the John Crows that drift lazily on the beach breezes looking for an easy meal of carrion below. They inspired a haiku during one trip there, when they were circling the pool eyeing me hungrily.
So when I saw a review of John Crow's Devil, I decided to pick up a copy. I've had a hard time finding contemporary Jamaican fiction. I know it's out there. I'm just not finding it. This is Marlon James' first novel, and overall, it's a good one.
It's set in a village in Jamaica and conjures a classic good vs. evil showdown. But it's tough to tell who is on which side. The Apostle comes to town and drives the useless Rum Preacher out of his pulpit. Initially, it seems clear the good guys have come to rescue the village. But the book really isn't that black and white. This isn't Stephen King sending the good people to Salt Lake City and the evil ones to Vegas. There's lots of gray area, and a fair amount of magic realism, too. James uses birds as a motif throughout, particularly doves and john crows.
The writing is solid and it's a great effort for a first novel. I think the main theme that fascinated me was an exploration of how cults leach up out of the ground, slowly at first, only to erupt in passion and bloodshed. I hope James has more books on the horizon. (I just Googled him and realized he has a blog ...)
Posted by Bob Benz at 10:50 AM | Comments (0)
December 28, 2006
The Dead ... part two
After posting about James Joyce the other day, I guess it's only natural that I sink immediately back into the dregs of pop culture. I've stumbled across four more zombie artifacts during the past several months ...
First, while shopping at the insanely cool Atomic Zombie in Albuquerque earlier this month, I found a Shaun of the Dead action figure, complete with his own cricket bat for bonking zombies. Needless to say, Shaun is now perched proudly on my office desk, ready to fend off attacks of the undead.
Then, on Christmas morning, I found a Captain Spaulding action figure under the tree (he's from House of 1,000 Corpses, Rob Zombie's brilliant bloodbath.) Sadly, the good captain probably isn't work friendly. The back of his shirt says "If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart." Nice. And he's motion activated, spitting out creepy wisdom every time you walk past. Also, kudos to Graveyard Records for working with Lara to get the Captain under the tree in time for Xmas.
Third, I found a pretty cool zombie book, Monster Island by David Wellington. I've generally steered clear of zombie fiction, figuring cinema is more than enough for my obsession. But a review of this book intrigued me. It features a talking zombie, a med student who, in the midst of the zombie plague, figures out that zombies are so freakin' stupid because their brain dies in the time between the person dies and reanimation occurs. So he hooks himself up to a dialysis machine, immerses himself in a tub of ice and voila. When he reanimates, he can think and speak. It reminds me, strangely, of John Gardner's Grendel, which is Beowulf written from the monster's perspective. The monster, Grendel, approaches humans looking for a friend and is met with hostility. So he responds in kind. Gary the zombie has a similar experience and goes on to lead an army of the undead. A few things about the book irked me. For instance, the Scottish bog zombie says things like "lad" and "wee bairns," even though I'm guessing those words weren't common in 1600 B.C. when he was sacrificed and tossed into the bogs. But that's nitpicking. There are plenty of plot twists. There's a small army of Somali teen girls with guns. And of course, numerous brains are eaten.
And finally, Tivo fetched a zombie movie that I'd never seen, Undead, a 2004 Australian film. It starts off great with a strange meteor shower and lots of slow-moving zombies (the best kind ... I'm a purist in that sense.) But it drifts into a strange alien thing that didn't quite do it for me. I kept waiting for the flesh-eating to recommence and it never really did. Still, it has plenty of gore, lots of amusing one-liners and more than a few zombie moments.
Posted by Bob Benz at 7:06 PM | Comments (0)
December 27, 2006
Sitcom Christmas: Three's Company
Sitcom: Three's Company
Episode: Three's Christmas
Year: 1977
Story line: The trio is invited to two Christmas parties.
Details: This one is a classic. It has the original cast, including Suzanne Somers as Chrissy and Norman Fell as Mr. Roper. Crap TV doesn't get any better than this. This also is the episode where we learn that Chrissy's real name is Christmas, making her full name Christmas Snow. Hmm. Anyway, Jack, Janet and Chrissy get invited to the Ropers on Christmas Day, but they really want to go to a party at the Stevens. The usual misfires, miscommunications and double dealing ensue. Turns out the Ropers were in the same boat and wanted to go to the Stevens party, too. In the end, everyone gets to go and we carry a sloshed Mr. Roper home. A good time is had by all. Those wacky kids.
Killer quote: "You chopped off my sprig, Scrooge." Jack to Janet after she rips off the sprig of mistletoe that he had hanging from his forehead and that he was using as an excuse to to molest her and Chrissy.
Killer quote II: "Just put him under the tree. I'l unwrap him in the morning." Mrs. Roper to Jack, who is carrying a drunken Mr. Roper home from the Stevens' party.
Ebenezer alert: The easy pick here is Mr. Roper. He's a world-class bore and a prick. He and his wife end up coming home early from her sister's on Christmas because Roper can't get along with his brother-in-law (apparently, he did something heinous in the guy's fish tank). And he's always suspicious that Jack isn't gay and shouldn't be living in an apartment with two babes. To clinch it, he pulls out a trombone that is truly Ebenezer-fied.
Childhood memory: This show was truly titillating (heh heh I said titillating). The whole idea of a guy living with two women in 1977 was somewhat risque (damn, times have changed) and while this schtick got old after about 1.5 episodes, it still was somewhat groundbreaking, if for no other reason that to watch Suzanne Somers in her prime. I don't recall this episode, but I did watch this pretty regularly during the first couple of seasons.
Posted by Bob Benz at 10:31 AM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Green Acres
Sitcom: Green Acres
Episode: An Old-Fashioned Christmas
Year: 1966
Story line: A law forbids Oliver from chopping down a Christmas tree.
Details: We open with a flashback to Christmas "several years ago" in New York City. Oliver is appalled that all they can find are fake trees, and he pines for an old-fashioned Christmas where farmers cut down a real tree and decorate it with popcorn. Now to the present, where Oliver has his farm, but it appears Hooterville has lost the Old-Fashioned Christmas, too. It's 81 degrees. Mr. Haney is selling transistor neckties. Mr. Drucker is peddling fake trees with imitation sap, spruce juice and fake needles that will "clog your vacuum better than the real ones." Unimpressed, Oliver decides to cut his own tree, but he has to see Hank Kimball, the county agent, to get a permit first. Meanwhile, Fred Ziffel has put up his fake tree, and Mrs. Ziffel is underwhelmed. She wants little Arnold (the pig) to see a real tree, which he's never seen in his three years on this planet. So it's off to the Douglas residence, where the real tree actually looks pretty good and the entire gang gathers. This is a great episode in that it pulls together all of the regulars (except Alf and Ralph, the carpenters). But then Mrs. Douglas' fruit cake comes out of the oven (above, left), scaring off everyone except her and Oliver. We close with snow falling in front of the window, and as the camera pans out, we see Mr. Haney sitting on the roof with a bag of soap flakes sprinkling fake snow into Oliver's old-fashioned Christmas.
A Gabor Christmas: We bumped into Zsa Zsa when we celebrated Christmas over at Pee-wee's Playhouse. Now we get Eva's take on the holiday. And it's unique.
Killer quote: "If anyone says your tie's too loud, you just turn it down." Mr. Haney, trying to sell "the world's first transistor necktie" to Oliver.
Killer quote II: "Arnold don't like it." Mrs. Ziffel, talking about the fake tree (complete with spruce juice) that Mr. Ziffel is putting up. Poor little Arnold has never seen a real tree.
Ebenezer alert: Generally, it's Oliver. But in this episode, he's the one who seems to be the good guy, lobbying for an old fashioned Christmas in a world gone fake. So in lieu of Oliver, I'll nominate Mrs. Douglas' fruit cake. It's mean. It's lethal. And it manages to drive off the entire crowd gathered at the Douglas place.
Childhood memory: This was one of my favorites as a kid, right up there with Gilligan's Island and the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't recall this episode, but I've been a lifelong fan of Arnold Ziffel and will never understand why he doesn't get the recognition that is his due. I've now chewed through a bunch of these sitcoms that I'm sure I've seen before but don't recall, and I remember how I was amazed at my father watching shows when we were kids and claiming he couldn't remember how they ended. I had every sitcom committed to memory. How could Pops not remember all the details of the Three Stooges short we were watching? But I guess I didn't realize at the time how much a few decades can destroy the truly important things in your memory -- like story lines to holiday sitcoms.
Posted by Bob Benz at 10:23 AM | Comments (0)
December 26, 2006
The Dead
Inspired by a Wall Street Journal article on John Huston's 1987 adaptation of Joyce's The Dead, I decided to see if Tivo could snag a copy for me. No luck, and since the WSJ article really was a lament that the Huston film isn't available on DVD, that wasn't an option, either.
So I did it one better and dug out my copy of Dubliners. With all the Christmas sitcom's I've been consuming, I needed something more nourishing. Otherwise, I risked a bad case of intellectual scurvy.
And damn. The Dead is brilliant. Each time I read it, I I take away more. There are so many layers, and that aching feeling of mortality the story evokes is the perfect antidote to too much Christmas cheer. Joyce's conflicted feelings about Ireland. His complicated relationship with Nora. The wonderful view into an Irish Christmas. It all wells up into something so much larger and universal than that one incident early in the 20th Century. This is literature at its greatest.
And the close might be the most incredible string of sentences in the English language. I know it's quoted too much, but here it is again. Just because:
A few light taps upon the pane made him turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, on the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.
Posted by Bob Benz at 12:43 PM | Comments (1)
Sitcom Christmas: Beverly Hillbillies (Direct Hit II)
Sitcom: Beverly Hillbillies
Episode: Home for Christmas
Year: 1962
Story line: The Clampetts fly home for Christmas.
Details: Tivo finally pulled in the one I was after originally. Good metadata. Good. And overall, this was a good episode, particularly for the completely corny black-and-white glory that was the early Hillbillies. The entire plane scene, where the Hillbillies think they're on some sort of fancy bus, is a sad look back at the regal experience air travel used to be. Those days are long gone. Also, this episode features Jethrine, Jethro's sister (really just Jethro in drag ... you gotta see it to believe it). Basically, the Clampetts survive their flight and return home, where Jethro's mom, Aunt Pearl, is trying to woo the oil company executive, Mr. Brewster. Shiftless Homer Winch is trying to woo Aunt Pearl and Granny. A lascivious Miss Jane warns the flight attendants away from Jethro. And all works out in the end. Well, doggies. That's slicker 'en possum shit.
Nipple ripple: No exposure. But damn. Donna Douglas was one fine Hillbilly. She can swim in my cement pond and play with my critters anytime.
Killer quote: "Wew doggies. This is a fancy bus." Jed as he and the rest of the clan wait to take off in an airplane.
Ebenezer alert: The easy answer here always is Mr. Drysdale, but he's relatively laid back in this episode. We'll give him the nod by default, just cause he's there. Homer Winch is pretty creepy, but he's not really in Ebenezer mode. He's just chasing old ladies.
Childhood memory: I was a Hillbillies junky as a kid, watching them mostly in reruns. My father often referred to me as Jethro, and I still identify strongly with Jethro's mathematical prowess: "One times naught is naught ... two times naught is naught ... three times naught is naught ..."
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:04 AM | Comments (0)
December 25, 2006
Sitcom Christmas: Seinfeld
Sitcom: Seinfeld
Episode: The Pick
Year: 1992
Story line: Elaine sends out a revealing photo of herself in Christmas cards..
Details: I'll be honest. I really was gunning for the Festivus episode here, having been particularly inspired by Say Uncle's Airing of Grievances blog posts this holiday season. But who am I to question the providence of Tivo. I had to settle for the Pick, and I was OK with that. In addition to Elaine's Christmas card dilemma, this episode also features the supermodel who catches Jerry picking his nose (or was he?) at a red light and Kramer's fight to get credit for Calvin Klein's new fragrance, the Ocean.
Nipple ripple: Elaine isn't the only one who let it all hang out in my sitcom Christmas blogging. Janet Jackson, who plays Penny in a Christmas episode of Good Times, also has been known to unleash her assets on the unsuspecting masses. And this confirms my theory that there are seven nipples of separation across TV Land's Christmas universe. Or something like that.
Killer quote: "I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see a nipple." Jerry, upon looking at Elaine's Christmas card.
Killer quote II: "His buttocks are sublime." Uttered by Calvin Klein as Kramer praces around in his underwear. Nothing to do with the holiday season, but hilarious nonetheless.
Killer quote III: "I'm not sure, but ... I think I see your ..." Elaine, as they look at Kramer's underwear ad in a magazine. Nice close to the show.
Ebenezer alert: Tossup between Kramer, who prods Elaine toward wardrobe malfunction while he takes the infamous Christmas card photo, and Calvin Klein, who clearly ripped off Kramer's idea for a fragrance that makes you smell like you just returned from the beach.
Childhood memory: No childhood memory here. I was an adult when I first saw Seinfeld. I think it was in the early '90s, a few seasons into the series. A friend urged me to check it out and I was quickly hooked. Festivus will always be a key holiday memory for me.
Posted by Bob Benz at 2:10 PM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Sitcom: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (I know, this isn't a sitcom; my blog obsession, my rules.)
Episode: N/A
Year: 1964
Story line: Martians kidnap Santa Claus and two children in an effort to capture the Christmas spirit for their listless children.
Details: I've been trying to nab this with Tivo for a few years and finally reeled in a copy. This is a classic. Martian kids have been watching too much Earth TV and get infected with the Christmas bug. So the Martians kidnap Santa and a few earth kids to bring the Christmas spirit to Mars. This is great in the way that only bad science fiction can be. Lots of cool cardboard outfits, and I think the Martians are wearing some inbred cross between a natural gas line and a kid's windup toy for headgear. There's lots of stock footage -- B52s scrambling to intercept the Martians, space rockets launching to rescue Santa, the UN meeting to discuss the abduction -- and the special effects are, well, stunning. I particularly like the guy in the polar bear suit that attacks Billy and Betty Foster in the North Pole. In the end, Santa wins over the wacky Martians, leaving a surrogate Santa (Dropo) in his place to keep Christmas alive on the Red Planet. He does indeed conquer the Martians, but he does it with Christmas spirit, not laser or disrupters or special effects. How cool is that?
Killer quote: "This is as bad as the Monkees, man." Lara Edge, during the slapstick finale where the Earth kids and the Martian kids assault the evil Voldar in a hail of attacking toys at Santa's Martian Workshop. I beg to differ. It's much, much better than the Monkees.
Killer quote II: "All this trouble for a fat little man in a white suit.' Voldar, the evil Martian.
Killer quote III: "I'm not accustomed to entering people's homes through the door, but you have no chimney." Santa as he enters the Martian home.
Bonus bit: Eight-year-old Pia Zadora as Girmar. the little Martian girl.
Ebenezer alert: Voldar. This miserable bastard hates everyone. He's just one bad ass Martian. He tries to order the cardboard robot, Torg, to crush Billy and Betty. But even Torg isn't immune to Santa's goodwill and refuses to kill the kids. Voldar later tries to flush them out an air lock, but Santa's chimney skills come in handy as he and the kids escape through an air hatch moments before the hatch opens. Voldar is always foiled but relentlessly evil. Everything a good Ebenezer should be.
Childhood memory: None, really. I think the first time I saw this was by accident 15 or so years ago one late-night TV when we lived in Albuquerque. I've been addicted ever since but have managed to catch it only a handful of times.
Posted by Bob Benz at 2:02 PM | Comments (0)
December 24, 2006
Sitcom Christmas: Married ... with Children
Sitcom: Married ... with Children
Episode: It's a Bundyful LIfe (2)
Year: 1989
Story line: Al gets a visit from a guardian angel and discovers what the Bundy household would look like if he was never born.
Details: Bad meta data again, but I think this time it was a good thing. Tivo was claiming this was a 1992 episode, but this second part of a 1989 show was a better snag. It features the hapless Al trying unsuccessfully to withdraw his Christmas club account from the bank in time for Christmas, ruining the holiday for everyone. Peg and the kids head off to Denny's for dinner, leaving Al to string outdoor lights, which zap him and knock him out. Sam Kinison appears as an angel who shows Al what earth would be like had he never been born. And the answer is pretty good. Peg is a Betty Crocker type. Bud is a great guy. Kelly's a brain. And Sam Kinison gets to scream a lot. At god. At Al. At anyone who will listen. Hey, it's his schtick. And in the end, we realize Al's life does have purpose -- to make sure his family is miserable. And that alone is enough to convince him life is worth living. (As a side note: Missing the first part wasn't a problem at all; this is Married ... with Children, not Twin Peaks.)
Killer quote: "Much like a neutered dog, you don't get it, Bundy." Angel Sam Kinison, talking to Al.
Killer quote II: "What do we do next? Go back in time to the day I should have been conceived? Watch my father invent the condom?" Al, upon seeing how well the other Bundys did on a planet where he didn't exist.
Ebenezer alert: It's gotta be Peg. Her seething contempt for Al never ceases. And that hair. Simply amazing.
Childhood memory: Not quite a childhood memory, but I loved the early years of this show, when it still had its edge and presented the dark underside of married life in America. I think this is a transitional season, right at it was jumping the shark (which I define as the departure of Marcy's husband to become a forest ranger.) I don't recall this episode specifically, but it had several laugh-out-loud moments. Praise Tivo for bringing it to me.
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Good Times
Sitcom: Good Times
Episode: Penny's Christmas
Year: 1977
Story line: Penny is nabbed for shoplifting at Christmas.
Details: Tivo offered up two Christmas episodes of Good Times. I chose the older version, though it wasn't old enough. This one aired well after Good Times had jumped the shark. Florida and James, the mother and father, are long gone at this point. Willona stops by to check on J.J., Michael and Thelma here and there, and she's trying to adopt Penny. In a nutshell, Penny wants to get her mother a necklace, but a pickpocket steals her wallet. So Penny shoplifts the necklace. And gets brought home by a store security guard just as a child welfare worker is at the house to tell Willona they're going to finalize the adoption. Or not. Of course, eventually they do, but not before the geeky white child welfare worker gets whacked on eggnog and hijinks ensue. Overall, this show had a nyuk or two, but it's mostly pretty lame. Lots of catastrophically bad one-liners strung together, most of them duller than yesterday's Christmas wrapping.
Nipple ripple: Janet Jackson plays Penny. Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction. Elaine Benes had a wardrobe malfunction on her Christmas card in an episode of Seinfeld. Proving once again that there are seven nipples of separation across TV Land's Christmas universe. Or something like that.
Killer quote: "It's a good thing you got (this tree) off the street. It could have been arrested for indecent exposure." Michael, referring to the Charlie Brown Christmas tree that J.J. dragged home.
Ebenezer alert: The easy choice would be the pickpocket who nabs Penny's wallet. But I'm voting J.J. here. Kid Dy-No-Mite is phoning this one in. He's a minor player in this episode, and his one extended bit involves him pulling out the Betsy Wetsy doll hidden in the freezer and making sure Penny sees it before Christmas. His late appearance as a boney, funky Santa doesn't do much to save him. Dy-No-Mite my ass.
Childhood memory: I liked this show in the early going and seem to recall that it competed in the Happy Days time slot, forcing us to choose. We were opting for Good Times at one point, but I don't think it lasted long. I have no recollection of this episode, or any of the post-mom and -dad episodes, for that matter. My early recollection of it was as a funny but somewhat gritty look at inner-city life. It quickly devolved into a clown act starring J.J. But damn. Thelma was hot.
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:31 AM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Beverly Hillbillies II
Sitcom: Beverly Hillbillies
Episode: Christmas in Hooterville
Year: 1968
Story line: Romance blooms during a Hooterville Christmas.
Details: This was a mashup before mashups were cool. Take a heap of the Hillbillies hog jowls, sprinkle in an overdose of Petticoat Junction sacarine and top it with essence of Green Acres and you have Christmas in Hooterville. I always loved the way Hooterville was the center of the universe for these shows, and of all of them, Green Acres was by far my favorite. We get only Sam Drucker and Eb the farmhand here, but they keep it interesting. As always, the Petticoat Junction folks just plain suck. Those annoying chicks who bathe in the town's water supply. Uncle Joe, who needs to be soundly slapped upside the head. And that annoying crop duster, Steve, who married Billie Joe and serenades Granny with a godawful and completely irrelevant song. Totally not Christmas. Anyway, in short, the Hillbillies are in Hooterville for Christmas, where Sam and Uncle Joe are vying for Granny's affection. It's cornball humor at its best and definitely had me laughing out loud in spots.
Killer quote: "If the fish ain't bitin', change your bait." Granny, before undergoing a massively creepy makeover in an attempt to draw out Sam Drucker's love.
Killer quote II: "Put some clothes on him and they'll think he's a hippy." Jethro, talking about Elly May's bear, which is about to drive cross-country from Beverly Hills to Hooterville with Mr. Drysdale. The bear does make a rather righteous hippy ...
Ebenezer alert: This one's a tie between Mr. Drysdale and shiftless Uncle Joe. The former is oppressing his bank employees, making them work on Christmas day. The latter smells money on Granny and starts putting on the moves.
In-breeding alert: Green Acres farmhand Jeb tries to put the moves on Hillbilly Elly May. Nothing good can come of that, and fortunately, it doesn't get anywhere. Could have been a truly terrifying spinoff, though.
Childhood memory: I remember all three of these shows in reruns. Hated Petticoat Junction but often sat through it while waiting for something else to come on (remember: we had only a few channels back in the day). Green Acres and Beverly Hillbillies were massively cool, especially in their earlier episodes. Long live Arnold Ziffel! No real recollection of this Christmas special.
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:03 AM | Comments (0)
December 23, 2006
Wishing you a sitcom Christmas
Through the magic of Tivo, I've been recording the ghost of Christmas past in the form of sitcom Christmas episodes. Not sure why, but I felt a compelling need to do this. I was definitely a TV kid. I remember the thrill we felt when a UHF station launched in Pittsburgh, adding hours of sitcom reruns and cartoons to our limited viewing options. And it's not unusual for strange commercial jingles to bubble up out of my subconscious and strangle me for hours at a time. (He's the mystical magical Burger King, he can do most anything ...)
Christmas was always a special time for us. Mom and Dad pulled out all the stops. I remember watching Christmas specials on a little black and white TV that was perched on a "TV cart" on wheels so it could be rolled around the house. The holiday crunch at the Post Office kept my father working late, and I remember trying to stay up till he got home. We'd bide our time watching Christmas specials and wearing, sorry to say, outfits much like the ones my brother and I don in the 1967 photo above (that's Blackie with us; even then I was a dog nut). Even more embarrassing is that my most vivid TV image from the time is that Norelco spot where Santa rides and electric razor through the snow. I thought that was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.
There's no method here. Just madness. I'm not trying to list all of them. Just the ones that for one reason or another, struck a chord with me. I'm steering clear of Christmas specials, preferring instead to focus on sitcoms with a Christmas theme of some sort, however tenuous it might be.
So here's an index of the shows. I'll expand it as I upload new ones. Use the comments to let me know what I've missed or where I completely missed the symbolic significance of Fred Sanford's Christmas diatribe.
Beverly Hillbillies (misfire)
Beverly Hillbillies (direct hit)
Beverly Hillbillies (direct hit II)
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:11 AM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Dragnet
Sitcom: Dragnet
Episode: The Christmas Story
Year: 1967
Story line: The infant disappears from the church creche at Christmas.
Details: Someone has godnapped the Baby Jesus from a church manager display, and Sgt. Friday and Officer Gannon have to track down the villain. This is a cool episode, complete with an unrelated stop to investigate a domestic dispute. Despite Friday's efforts to bring peace to the couple, they end up fighting anyway. Then the duo gets called to the San Fernando Mission, where someone has absconded with the baby Jesus from the manager. In a cool twist, Barry Williams (Greg Brady, to Brady Bunch fans) is the altar boy who fingers the suspect. But the suspect turns out to be a dead-end and it looks as if the Mission will have to celebrate Christmas without baby Jesus. As Friday and Gannon are explaining to Father Rojas that Jesus might not be back in time for Christmas, little Paquito pulls a red wagon down the Mission's aisle, and in the back is baby Jesus. After an exchange in Spanish between Paquito and the priest, we learn the child prayed to Jesus for the wagon and promised him the first ride if he got it. So baby Jesus got to go for a spin around the block. And all is right with the world.
Killer quote: "Paquito's family, they're poor," the priest tells Friday, explaining that the toy wagon the child received was a second-hand gift from firefighters and that's why he got it the day before Christmas.
"Are they, Father?" Friday asks in his cop staccato. No answer needed. That little Paquito is rich in Christmas spirit.
Ebenezer alert: Capt. Mack, Friday and Gannon's shift boss, who tries to send them on another case in Bakersfield instead of back to the Mission to find baby Jesus. Crafty Friday manages to get the hard-nosed captain to let them go find baby Jesus instead.
Childhood memory: I was a fool for these corny crime dramas, and Dragnet fit the bill. I remember my father joking about Friday's stiff demeanor. We used to watch this as a family while we ate our evening "treats" of pop and ice cream, but I have no recollection of this episode.
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:02 AM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Pee-wee's Playhouse
Sitcom: Pee-wee's Playhouse (I know, it's not technically a sitcom; but my obsessive blogging, my rules.)
Episode: Pee-wee's Playhouse Christmas Special
Year: 1988
Story line: Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello join Pee-wee to celebrate Christmas.
Details: This hour-long special has it all, including awesome cameos from Grace Jones, Whoopi Goldberg, Magic Johnson, Joan Rivers, Cher, Little Richard, k.d. lang, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Dinah Shore and Santa. The secret word is "Year." The animation is amazingly cool. And the Pee-wee induced antics are hilarious. This is what Christmas is all about.
Killer quote:
"You're the best Santa there is," Pee-wee tells Claus.
"I know you are, but what am I?," Santa responds without missing a beat. Nice.
Killer quote II: "Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho. Meka Leka Hi Meka Ho Ho Ho." Jambi the Genie, riffing on his usual chant to reflect the holidays.
Killer quote III: "This was supposed to go to the White House, not the Playhouse." Reba the letter carrier, who notices the box containing Grace Jones was delivered to the wrong address. Grace jumps out anyway and sings a bizarre version of the Little Drummer Boy for Pee-wee and friends.
Ebenezer alert: Randy the red-headed bully, of course. He spends much of the special dissing Christmas. But a special Ebenezer shout-out also goes to Pee-wee, who forces poor Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello to create and mail hundreds of Christmas cards, turning the Playhouse into a Christmas sweatshop. He also plays a cruel trick on poor Dinah Shore as she sings the 12 Days of Christmas via videophone.
Childhood memory: Well, this is more of a 20-something memory, but I vividly recall rushing to get the Albuquerque Tribune typeset so my friend Juliette Torrez and I could sneak into the conference room on Saturday mornings to watch Pee-wee's Playhouse between editions. No specific recollection of this special, but if I missed it the first time around, I'm glad Tivo gave me this second chance. I still laugh out loud every time I watch Pee-wee.
Posted by Bob Benz at 10:59 AM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Adam-12
Sitcom: Adam-12
Episode: Christmas
Year: 1974
Story line: The Christmas spirit is sorely lacking on the partners' tour of duty.
Details: Officers Reed and Malloy spend Christmas Eve fighting crime and distributing presents to needy kids. They meet little Harvey's mother in a parking lot to give her a yellow dump truck they bought him, along with other toys, but when she goes to buy a tree someone steals the car and all the presents in it. But Reed and Malloy are on the case, and they eventually track down the car thief and manage to outsmart department bureaucracy to ensure that little Harvey gets his dump truck.
Killer quote: "You gotta be a real creep to steal toys from kids, especially on Christmas." The car thief, explaining that he stole the car and TV in it but had no idea the trunk was packed with presents for kids. I guess he wouldn't have taken it if he had known that. Har.
Ebenezer alert: The car thief, though as the quote above indicates he's not all bad. Malloy also has a bit of Scrooge in him, initially refusing to buy a yellow dump trunk for Harvey. But he's a cop with a heart of gold and borrows three bucks from Reed to buy the truck for Harvey.
Childhood memory: This was one of my favorites as a kid. I think it aired Saturday nights, so we used to watch it after returning from Mass (Catholics get to cheat on Sunday like that ...). I don't remember this episode specifically, though. But the crackly "One Adam-12 One Adam-12 ... see the lady at ..." still bounces around in my brain from time to time.
Posted by Bob Benz at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)
December 22, 2006
Sitcom Christmas: That Girl
Sitcom: That Girl
Episode: Christmas and the Hard Luck Kid
Year: 1966
Story line: Ann recalls when she spent Christmas with a lonely boy.
Details: We start with Ann the ever-struggling actress playing a Christmas elf at a shopping mall. But this isn't David Sedaris playing Crumpet the Christmas elf. This is Marlo Thomas, vaguely hot but squeaky clean and oozing goodness and good cheer. She flashes back to a Christmas three years earlier, when she was teaching at a boys' school and stayed behind to be with Tommy Phillips, who was destined to spend the holiday alone at school. Ann does what Ann does and in her goofy way manages to place Tommy with a local family for the holiday. It isn't till after the fact that she realizes the family is Jewish ...
Killer quote: "Jewish people don't have a tree, and they don't celebrate Christmas." Tommy, after returning to school from the Greene's home and informing Ann that it wasn't Christmas they were celebrating.
Ebenezer alert: The insurance company, which won't let Ann take Tommy to her father's house for the holiday because it's too far away. Even then, insurance companies sucked.
Childhood memory: I'm not sure why, but I remember this one vividly. I'm pretty sure I first saw it in reruns and I think I was home sick as Christmas approached. The scene the really struck me was where they were playing basketball in an empty gym. For some reason, I thought that would be really cool. Maybe it's the beginning of my fascination with end-of-the-world movies, where no one is around and you have everything to yourself -- highways, stores, even gymnasiums.
Posted by Bob Benz at 1:58 PM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: The Partridge Family
Sitcom: The Partridge Family
Episode: Don't Bring Your Guns to Town, Santa
Year: 1971
Story line: At Christmas, the bus breaks down in a ghost town.
Details: This one sucked as badly as the Monkees special. I knew we were in for trouble when it was revealed that this was a Brian Foster episode. Everyone knows the only true Chris is Jeremy Gelbwaks. There can be only one. Susan Dey is amazing though. Simply amazingly gorgeous. And Danny Bonaduce gets through the entire episode without beating up any transvestites. So surely this has some redeeming value. In short, the bus breaks down in a ghost town. We meet prospector Charlie and his mule, Ella. Charlie tells a story of Wild West Christmas days with Partridge Family members playing key parts in the flashback. In the end, the bus gets fixed and those wacky Partridges belt out a version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas that brings a tear to hardscrabble Charlie's eye. How nice.
Killer quote: "If you have to give to receive then forget it. I mean, where is the profit?" Ruben Kincaid in his flashback role as Mean Sidney.
Ebenezer alert: Ruben freakin' Kincaid. In spades, dude. He even plays Mean Sidney in the Wild West flashback. That Ruben is bad news, though I could never understand his "stud" reputation in the show. He just seemed so dang oily.
Childhood memory: Again, no specific memory of this episode, but it was right up there with the Monkees on the list of cool stuff when I was a kid. When we played Partridge Family (yes, I'm ashamed to admit we did that), I was Danny, cousin John was Keith and brother Steve was Chris. Come on now there's a song that we're singin' ...
Posted by Bob Benz at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: The Monkees
Sitcom: The Monkees
Episode: The Christmas Show
Year: 1967
Story line: The boys teach a cynical lad the meaning of Christmas.
Details: Straight up, this sucked. Totally sucked. Not even mildly amusing. Lots of not-very-good slapstick and an extended slow motion sequence toward the end where you get the feeling they were out of ideas, had time to fill and used slow motion to make the most of it. There's also an odd coda where the cast comes out and walks around on the set and then the Monkees sing a version of the 16th century Spanish carol Riu Chiu that's actually pretty nice. In short, the Monkees get stuck baby-sitting a cynical little rich brat named Melvin. We learn that he's been given everything ... but love. I guess love is all you need. Where have we heard that before ... One interesting aside: Melvin morphs into a computer in several spots, when he's being particularly cold and heartless. Harkens back to the Beverly Hillbillies episode that Tivo mistakenly grabbed instead of the Christmas episode. I still find it interesting to note how freaked out people were by computers ...
Killer quote: "Boy, this kid needs some lessons on Christmas." Peter Tork after an encounter with Melvin. Yup. That's the best quote I could glean from this mess, though there was one spot where the Monkees did a need vamp on the word "gay" in "Don we now our gay apparel."
Ebenezer alert: Melvin, the precocious kid the Monkees are baby-sitting. Melvin, by the way, was played by Butch Patrick of Eddie Munster fame. I knew he looked familiar but didn't realize who he was until the credits rolled.
Childhood memory: I have no recollection of this episode, but I loved the Monkees as a kid. I remember playing Monkees with my cousin John, strumming brooms in his basement and falling all over each other in slapstick bliss.
Posted by Bob Benz at 12:43 PM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Sanford and Son
Sitcom: Sanford and Son
Episode: Ebenezer Sanford
Year: 1975
Story line: Fred dreams of the Spirt of Christmas Past.
Details: Very uneven but it definitely has its moments if for nothing else than Lamont's powder blue leisure suit. Gotta love that. It's upstaged only by Lamont appearing as the spirit of Christmas yet to come in a space suit. Bizarre. Truly bizarre. The show is a great vehicle for Redd Foxx's one-liners but it's kinda mushy in the middle. Fred moves from Scrooge to heart of gold, but it happens at Lamont's expense, of course. The end is really strange with the cast gathered around as Redd Foxx does a watered-down Duke Ellington rendition of Mel Torme's "The Christmas Song."
Killer quote: "Ho Ho Ho. Go down to the oceanside and stand in the low tide until the high tide commits suicide." Fred, responding to Aunt Esther's "yuletide" greetings. That quote pretty much sums up how corny this is, but for some reason I still laughed out loud when I heard it.
Runner-up quote: "Who are you? The spirit of Liberace?" Fred, to Lamont who has appeared before him as the spirit of Christmas past.
The Aunt Esther factor: Esther: "You don't upset me. I have the feeling of Christmas."
Fred: "And the face of Halloween."
Ebenezer alert: Fred, without a doubt.
Childhood memory: This is another show we watched frequently, but even as kids we knew it was massively corny and strange. It was worth it mostly for the trash talk between Fred and Esther and the strange assortment of characters who drifted through ... Bubba, Fred's buddy. Rollo, Lamont's shady friend. Donna, Fred's girlfriend.
Posted by Bob Benz at 12:19 PM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: The Andy Griffith Show
Sitcom: The Andy Griffith Show
Episode: Christmas Story
Year: 1960
Story line: Andy and Barney give a Christmas party in jail.
Details: These were the early years, when Griffith was still playing Sheriff Taylor as a grinning bumpkin with a ton of common sense. It's amazing to watch Andy empty the jail for Christmas (those were different times ...) only to have to incarcerate Sam the Moonshiner when a local liquor distributor insists. Sheriff Taylor develops a cunning scheme to jail the moonshiner's entire family so they can all celebrate Christmas together.
Killer quote: "No, by dog. There's more than one way to pluck a buzzard." Andy, when he comes up with a scheme to allow the moonshiner to celebrate Christmas with his family despite the dastardly machinations of Ben.
Runner-up quote: "Merry Christmas Barney Parney Poo." Inscription on a Christmas card to Barney from his sweetheart.
Ebenezer alert: Ben the liquor distributor. He's totally out to get Sam the Moonshiner for purely business reasons. He's mean. Petty. Greedy. But deep down, he has a heart of gold and ends up distributing gifts at the jail house Christmas celebration.
Childhood memory: This has to be one of the best sitcoms of all time. Even now, more than 45 years later, its gentle humor still resonates. This episode aired two years before I was born, and I watched The Andy Griffith Show mostly in reruns as a child and loved it. But I didn't have a clear recollection of this episode. Thanks, Tivo, for bringing it back to me.
Posted by Bob Benz at 12:02 PM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Happy Days
Sitcom: Happy Days
Episode: Guess Who's Coming to Christmas
Year: 1974
Story line: Richie realizes Fonzie will be alone for Christmas.
Details: This one is a classic and it even includes the disappearing older brother, Chuck. It's long before Fonzie moves into the apartment above the Cunningham's garage, and he still has some of his hood edge here, threatening Ralph Malph early on. This is long before Fonzie jumped the shark.
Killer quote: "You're the ginchiest." Inscription on the Christmas gift lockets that Fonzie gives to the waitresses at Arnolds.
Runner-up quote: "It's not quite Christmas if your Santa doesn't work." Howard, referring to the broken mechanical Santa in the Cunningham's front yard.
Ebenezer alert: Howard Cunningham. Totally. He insists that Christmas Eve be family only with no outsiders allowed. Of course, cuddly leather-jacket clad Fonzie melts Ebenezer's heart in the end.
Childhood memory: This one's a classic. I guess I was about 12 when it aired and it's one of the Christmas episodes that have always stuck with me. I'd rank it right up there with the Walton's Homecoming, where Mary Ellen scandalously calls the other kids piss ants. Very edgy stuff in 1971 ...
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)
Sitcom Christmas: Beverly Hillbillies
Sitcom: The Beverly Hillbillies
Episode: Home for Christmas
Year: 1962
Story line: The Clampetts fly home for Christmas
Details: Through the magic of metadata, my Tivo actually recorded a 1965 episode of The Beverly Hillbillies, "The Clampetts Versus Automation," in which a bank clerk is replaced by a computer and the Clampetts come to his rescue. I'm putting this up anyway because I found it fascinating that even in 1965, the dehumanizing effect of computers already was weighing on people's minds. Even the Hillbillies.
Killer quote: "He's grinnin' like a baked possum." Jethro, commenting on Mr. Lester after he got into Granny's rheumatism medicine and passed out.
Ebenezer alert: Mr. Drysdale, or course, who dumps the hapless Lester like yesterday's garbage when he finds a cheaper way to get the job done but eventually comes sniveling back when the computer inevitably fails.
Childhood memory: I was a Hillbillies junky as a kid, watching them mostly in reruns. My father often referred to me as Jethro, and I still identify strongly with Jethro's mathematical prowess: "One times naught is naught ... two times naught is naught ... three times naught is naught ..."
Posted by Bob Benz at 11:28 AM | Comments (0)
December 21, 2006
A desecrated tree
Lots of cool decorations dot our tree during the 17th annual tree desecration party while Sara Schwabe and the Yankee Jass band rage in the background (that's their blurry bassist to the left). More photos of the festivities here.
Posted by Bob Benz at 6:25 PM | Comments (0)
Paul gets his ash on ...
Paul regales the crowd at the tree party with tales of search engine marketing derring-do and HTML optimized for search nirvana. He also turned cigar ash into an art form, managing to draw several massive ashes on his cigar. Or is he just blowing smoke?
Posted by Bob Benz at 6:21 PM | Comments (0)
A shot of cheer
The crowd indulges in the customary tree party tequila shots, complete with Xena howl to wash down the tasty agave. This year, someone brought a bottle of mezcal with a scorpion in it (as opposed to the traditional worm). While it stirred a lot of conversation, no one ate the scorpion.
Posted by Bob Benz at 6:17 PM | Comments (0)
Rusty's tree party tall tales ...
Rusty's pirate stories get wilder and weirder as the night goes on at the annual Benz-Edge Tree Desecration party. Here he tells Greg and Janet about an incident in the South Seas involving Absinthe, 15 Peruvian midgets and several puffy shirts. Needless to say, a good time was had by all.
Posted by Bob Benz at 6:14 PM | Comments (0)
December 9, 2006
Ho ho ho
During a recent layover en route to Albuqueruqe, I'm sitting at the food court in the E concourse of the Atlanta airport, wolfing down a burger while a man in a suit plays Christmas carols on a piano amid throngs of somber business travelers and military men in fatigues. There's something horribly morose and sad about the scene, and all I can do is hope those soldiers are heading home and not overseas ...
Posted by Bob Benz at 7:36 PM | Comments (0)
The Prince of Marshes
I just finished Rory Stewart's "The Prince of Marshes And Other Occupational Hazards of a Year in Iraq." It's a sobering account of the year he spent in Amara and Nasiriyah in 2003. Even then, it was clear things were going badly. Stewart isn't someone who opposes the Coalition's work in Iraq. He's an optimist who is working in the Coalition to try to bring democracy to the country. But his account makes it clear what a long-shot that effort was (and is).
Particularly damning is his description of the Italian troops in Iraq. He portrays them as ineffective and even cowardly, more concerned with politics and self-preservation than getting the job done. The coalition of the willing definitely looks like the coalition of the coerced here.
In a strange encounter, one that harkens back to a scene from The Places in Between, he talks to one of the Iraqis who was among the Sadrists that laid siege to his compound five weeks earlier.
"We will miss you. ... You are our hero," the Iraqi tells him as Stewart prepares to leave the country.
"What are you talking about, Asad -- why were you firing mortars and trying to kill me five weeks ago?"
"Ah, Seyyed Rory," he replied with a grin. "that was nothing personal."
Posted by Bob Benz at 7:19 PM | Comments (0)
Foxy frosty morning
As we pulled into the park this morning, my headlines caught a fox trotting across the hoary grass. The dogs started bouncing around in the truck while I slowed to watch. He was big with a magnificent tail held high in the 17-degree air. After casting a quick look at me, he continued on with his business, nosing the bushes and looking for something to pounce on.
It's the first time I've seen a live fox at Melton Hill. We did come across a dead one a few years ago. It was badly mangled, probably by a coyote or two from the looks of it. It was a real treat to get a good look of one on the prowl.
Posted by Bob Benz at 7:12 PM | Comments (0)
The fiendish stupidity of chickens
While reading Tom Bissell's profile of director Werner Herzog in Harper's Magazine, I came across this Herzog quote in one of the footnotes, which had my laughing out loud during a flight to Albuquerque ...
"Look into the eyes of a chicken and you will see real stupidity. It is a kind of bottomless stupidity, a fiendish stupidity. They are the most horrifying, cannibalistic and nightmarish creatures in the world."
It didn't end there. Here's Klaus Kinski on Herzog, as quoted from Kinski's autobiography: "I absolutley despise this murderous Herzog. ... Huge red ants should piss into his lying eyes, gobble up his balls, penetrate his asshole, and eat his guts."
Very cool. Great profile, too.
Posted by Bob Benz at 7:06 PM | Comments (2)
December 2, 2006
The official, irresistible tree party invite
Lara and I bagged a bodacious tree today and managed to get it into the house and into a stand without me going totally Grinch on her. Clearly, this bodes well for our Desecrate the Christmas Tree party. And after 17 years, we promise intrigue, assorted shenanigans and plenty of strangely great music.
Will LBJ's long lost father return to rescue him from the hillbillies in Tennessee?
Will Screamin' Jay Small enthrall the crowd with his soulful renditions of Britney Spears tunes?
Will the tree survive?
Only one way to find out, dude. Come to the party ... details below.
- Who: The Benz and Edge's
- What: Our 17th annual Christmas tree desecration party, in which assorted stooges put homemade, stupendously cool decorations on our unsuspecting evergreen. We have only one rule: You CAN'T buy the decoration. Also, remember that children and vegetarians are invited to the party. Ornaments should be rated "G" or "PG." Also, Sara Schwabe's Yankee Jass Band will perform, and there are rumors that Wailin' Jay Small will do a voodoo resurrection of the late, great Johnny Cash. And last but not least, LBJ will be on the scene.
- Where: 11517 Hardin Valley Road. I-40 to Pellissippi Parkway (toward Oak Ridge). Take the Hardin Valley Road exit off Pellissippi Parkway. Go left at the light, onto Hardin Valley. Go about 2.4 miles, past the elementary school and Steele Road on the right. Our house is the third driveway on the right after you pass Steele Road. We'll have it lit up, but watch closely. It can be tough to spot.
- Map
- Lost? Call 691-7731 or 604-7731.
- Important: We will have valet parking to avoid a repeat of The Stuck in the Mud Incident of 2000. You can either pull into the driveway and your car will be parked, or you can park at Sims store (near the elementary school, right before Steele Road) and you will be driven up to the party.
- When: Saturday, Dec. 16 at 7 p.m. Children and vegetarians are welcome.
- Why: Why not, wise guy?
- How: Make your own decoration. We'll have beer, Spiney's infamous margaritas, non-alcoholic beverages and vats of steaming green chile. Extra beverages and/or food will be welcome but aren't required
- Now Playing: Cancion Pa Ceiba from the album "Que Vaya Bien" by Roy Brown, Tito Auger, Tao Rodriguez Seeger.
Posted by Bob Benz at 8:13 PM | Comments (0)